Memory Lane
by werewolfgirl44
Summary: While fighting a coven of old powerful witches Sam, Dean and Cas are transported into Dean's worst memories and forced to watch them. Sam sees what Dean gave up for him This leads to a fight where Sam says its Deans fault that he couldn't have a normal life with Amelia then leaves. Cas heard this, saw everything, and is there to pick up the pieces with a (shockingly) alive Gabriel.
1. Chapter 1: Hunt Gone Bad

Dean POV

Sam and I had been in Nowhere, Indiana for a week now on the trail of a coven of witches before we finally figured out where they would be having their meeting. These witches were into some real heavyweight dark magic praying to Samhain and Lucifer to work their magic.

We had just packed Baby and were heading out to scope out the abandoned house the witches had their alter set in before confronting them tonight.

We arrived and headed in and the first thing we noticed was a huge black alter with human bones, blood, crossroad dirt, vervain, wolfsbane, and other assorted herbs and nasty stuff.

"Look at this Dean. I think they know who we are." Sam said holding up pictures of us with blood on them. The picture of me had symbols on it along with the blood.

"Freaking witches man. They're so nasty!" I said as I walked past a decomposing rabbit. "You know if they have us marked we need to hurry and gank the bitches before they finish the spell." I said as I reached past the alter to open a hidden door I had just found.

"Dean wait!" I heard Sam yell and turned just in time to see him grab my arm to supposedly pull me back. The abandoned house we were in disappeared and we were now standing in a hall with a door at the end.

"What the hell Sam!? Why'd you do that?" I asked.

"The symbols that were on your photo didn't you see them on the door frame? When you turned the knob they lit up and when I reached out to grab you it felt like something yanked me through the door with you." Sam said looking around.

I started looking around as well and that's when I realized we weren't in the old house we had been in five minutes ago.

"Dean, where the hell are we?" Sam asked.


	2. Chapter 2:The Beginning of the End

Dean POV

"I'm not sure, Sammy. But this, this place looks familiar I know I've seen it befo—_Son of a bitch! _I know where we are." I can't believe that we're here. Oh god what if Sam sees the stuff I've hidden in here.

"Where the hell is here?" Sam asked.

"My head Sam. We're in my head. Fucking witches man." I said.

"Well how the hell do we get out of here? I don't want to be stuck in your head forever. How do we get out of here?" Sam asked.

Suddenly I remembered all the times Cas visited my dreams and I knew that if anyone could join us and get us the hell out of here it would be him. This has to work because the place we are in is the vault of bad memories in my mind and Sam didn't need to be privy to those.

"Dear Castiel who art busy fixing heaven. If you have a moment me and Sam could really use your help. Some witches trapped us in my head if you could please get us out of here. Breaker, breaker." I opened my eyes again and looked around.

"It didn't work Dean. He's not here. Maybe he-" Sam said, but I was busy looking over his shoulder at Cas who was walking towards us.

"Sam shut up and turn around." I interrupted.

"Dean what happened?" Cas asked as he stopped beside me.

"We were on a hunt and the witches we were after threw some spell at us and one of them grabbed me—I guess that focused it on me—and then we ended up here. Can you get us out of here?" I questioned.

"Yes of course Dean." Cas said as he reached and placed two fingers on mine and Sammy's heads. We waited and nothing happened.

"Um Cas we're still here." I said.

"Yes I know. Something is keeping me from taking you out and from leaving now that I am here. I believe that this is a very old spell and the only way to break it is to finish it. We are going to have to follow the path out of your consciousness. We should go through the door and then we will have to watch whatever memory the room contains before the next door will appear. Do you know where this door leads?" Cas asked.

"I'm not sure exactly, but you're not gonna like it. This is the place I keep all the worst memories so I don't have to think about them. Is there any way I can go through alone and then we'll all be free since the spell was aimed at me? I promise no one wants to see what's on the other side." I was worried Sam would hate me for this. I'm just glad I don't keep memories of Hell or Purgatory in here but rather in the deepest parts of my mind locked down in a vault.

"I am afraid not Dean. We must all go through together now." Cas said.

"It can't be that bad Dean. We can handle it. Let's just hurry and get the hell out of here so we can catch the witches before they can skip town." Sam said striding forward to open the door. I turned to follow with Cas close on my heels. When the door shut behind us I noticed the run down room and my younger self kneeling in the corner and internally grimaced at the thought of what memory this was.

"Hey I know this. This is that Asylum with the Ellicott guy right? This is a bad memory? Why? We killed the ghost and we weren't hurt, and we saved those two kids." Sam was asking but I just ignored him because I knew what was about to happen. I felt Cas place his hand on my shoulder in support because he knew what was coming. He had seen it in my mind before. I turned around just as the scene started.

[Memory 1 starts]

**Sam-**Dean. _(Raises shotgun at Dean, Dean looks shocked, blood drips down Sammy's nose) _Step back from the door.

_(Dean stands and turns to face Sammy)_

**Dean-**Sam put the gun down.

**Sam-**Is that an order?

**Dean-**It's more of a friendly request

**Sam-**Cause I'm getting pretty tired of taking your orders.

**Dean-**I knew it. Ellicott did something to you, didn't he?

**Sam-**For once in your life shut your mouth.

**Dean-**What are you going to do Sam? The guns filled with rock salt it's not gonna kill me.

_(Sam shoots Dean in the chest and he flies through the door into another room.)_

**Sam-**No but it'll hurt like hell.

_(Dean wakes up gasping and coughing)_

**Dean-**Sam. We've got to burn Ellicott's bones, then all this will be over, and you'll be back to normal.

**Sam-**I am normal. I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I Mean, why are we even here? Cause you're following dad's orders like a good little soldier? Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval?

**Dean-**This isn't you talking Sam.

**Sam-**That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic like you.

**Dean-**So what are you going to do? Are you going to kill me?

**Sam-**I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding dead today then we were six months ago.

**Dean-**Well then here. Let me make it easier for you. _(Dean reaches into his jacket and pulls out his handgun)_ go on take it. Real bullets are gonna work a Hell of a lot better than rock salt. Take it.

_(Dean is handing the gun to Sam and Sam snatches it. Pointing it at Dean.)_

**Dean-**You hate me that much? You think you can kill your own brother? _(A look of resignation falls over Dean's face. He has accepted his fate.) _Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. DO IT!

_(Sam pulls the trigger and it clicks. He pulls it 2 more times. Dean reaches up and hits him in the face with the gun before getting up.)_

**Dean-**Man, I'm not gonna give you loaded pistol.

_(Knocks Sam out. Then pats him on the back.)_

**Dean-**Sorry, Sammy.

[Memory 1 ends]

As the memory fades we are left standing in an empty room with a door on the other side, probably there to lead me to more hurt.

"That's one of your worst memories? Dean I apologized. You know that was the ghost controlling me. I couldn't kill you you're my brother. We need to talk about this." Sam said looking at me with hurt in his eyes. Cas just stands there patiently with his hand still on my shoulder offering me support.

"Let's just stow this right now, Sammy. Let's just open the door and see what other crap those bitches are going to drag us through." I said as I strode forward to yank open the door knowing they would follow me.

Once we were inside the new room and the door shut I realized what this was. Oh god I _never _wanted Sam to know about this. That's why I lied when it happened. Son of a bitch here we go I thought as I saw myself turn to face the other version of myself.

[Memory 2 starts]

_(Dean walks into a room and Dream Dean turns around to greet him.)_

**Dream Dean-**Hey dean.

**Dean**-Well, aren't you a handsome son of a gun.

**Dream Dean-**We need to talk.

**Dean-**I get it. I get it. I'm my own worst nightmare. That it? Huh? Like the "Superman III" junkyard scene a little "Mano Y Mano" with myself?

**Dream Dean-**Joke all you want, smartass. But you can't lie to me. I know the truth. I know how dead you are inside...how worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror...and hate what you see.

**Dean-**Sorry, pal. It's not gonna work. You're not real.

**Dream Dean-**Sure I am. I'm you.

**Dean-**I don't think so. Cause see this is my siesta...not yours. All I got to do is snap my fingers, and you go bye-bye.

_(Dean snaps and nothing he snaps 5 more times and still nothing.)_

**Dream Dean-**I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you.

_(The door slams and locks behind Dream Dean.)_

**Dream Dean-**Like I said_... (Raises shotgun)..._We need to talk.

_(Dream Dean starts circling Dean as he beings to talk again.)_

**Dream Dean-**I mean you're going to hell and you won't lift a finger to stop it. Talk about low self-esteem. _(Chuckles)_ Then again I guess it's not much of a life worth saving, now, is it.

**Dean-**Wake up Dean. Come on. Wake up.

**Dream Dean-**I mean after all you got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog.

_(Dream Dean comes to a stop in front of Dean)_

**Dean-**That's not true.

**Dream Dean- **No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean your car-that's dads. Your favorite leather jacket-dads. Your music-dads. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is, is "Watch out for Sammy. Look after your little brother, boy." You can still hear your dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as a bell.

**Dean-**Just shut up.

**Dream Dean-**I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you...boss you around. But Sam...Sam, he doted on. Sam, he loved.

**Dean-**I mean it. I'm getting angry.

**Dream Dean-**Dad knew who you really were-A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you!?

**Dean-**YOU SON OF A BITCH!

_(Throws Dream Dean into the wall)_

**Dean-**MY FATHER WAS AN OBSSED BASTARD!

_(Dream Dean stands and Dean kicks him back into the wall then hits him across the face with his shotgun and shoves it into Dream Dean's throat holding him against the wall.)_

**Dean-**All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam that was HIS crap! _He's_ the one who couldn't protect his family.

_(Dean hits Dream Dean with the shotgun twice again.)_

**Dean-**_He's_ the one who let mom die! Who wasn't there for Sam! I ALWAYS was! It wasn't fair. I DIND'T DESERVE WHAT HE PUT ON ME! AND I DON'T DESERVE TO GO TO HELL!

_(Dean shots Dream Dean twice in the chest. Dream Dean slumps back dead. Dean walks toward Dream Dean and looks at him. Dream Dean wakes up as a demon with black eyes. Dean steps back.)_

**Dream Dean-**You can't escape me Dean. You're gonna die. And THIS-this is what you're gonna become.

[Memory 2 ends]

"Sammy I know what you're gonna say and—" I started but Sam cut me off.

"Oh really!? You do? This was what you saw when we had the dream root wasn't it? Dammit Dean. You told me you didn't see anything. Why'd you lie?" Sam shouted.

"I was trying to protect you Sam. That's my job. I just didn't want you to get hurt." I said.

"So it's better that you get hurt. Dean is that what you really think? That Dad loved me more? You didn't have to do it alone Dean. I just—I just. Agh! Dammit." Sam shouted as he turned and punched the wall.

"I believe we should head through the door before this memory starts again." Cas said as he ushered us towards the door.

God could it get any worse. I only hope that this ends before Sam gets a glimpse at some of the really nasty shit I have hidden away up here. It's like I told Jo, I'm 90% crap and 10% real. Problem is now Sam and Cas are getting a glimpse into my head and I know that if I can't handle this shit then they certainly won't be able to.


	3. Chapter 3:Things Can Always Get Worse

Dean POV

We stepped into what look like Rufus' old hunting cabin. I immediately swore under my breath. I knew what this was and no one was going to like it.

"Guys, this might be a bad one." I was trying to warn everyone to brace themselves.

"What do you mean? We had some good times up here." Sam said looking around confused.

Before I could answer the memory started and I saw myself standing across from Sam.

[Memory 3 starts]

**Sam-**Dude, you're freaking alive. I mean, what the hell happened?

**Dean-**Well, I guess standing too close to exploding Dick sends your ass straight to purgatory.

**Sam-**You were in purgatory? For the whole year?

**Dean-**Yeah time flies when you're running for your life.

**Sam-** Well, how'd you get out?

**Dean-**I guess whoever built that box didn't want me in there anymore than I did.

**Sam-**What does that mean?

**Dean-**I'm here okay?

**Sam-**What about Cas? Was he there?

_(Dean has a sardonic smile and flash of pain across his face before turning and walking away and facing away from Sam.)_

**Dean-**Yeah, Cas didn't make it.

**Sam-**What exactly does that mean?

**Dean-**Something happened to him down there. Things get pretty hairy towards the end, and he...just let go.

**Sam-**So Cas is dead? You saw him die?

**Dean-**I saw enough.

(Dean has a look of anguish on his face when he talks about Cas)

**Sam-**So, then want, you're not sure?

_(Dean turns and with a look and tone that lets Sam know the conversation is over states:)_

**Dean-**I said I saw enough, Sam.

**Sam-**Right...Dean I'm sorry.

_(Dean looks sad before clenching his jaw, gritting his teeth, and moving on.)_

**Dean-**Me too. So you, you I can't believe you're actually here. _(Dean turns and walks to the ice box and grabs two beers) _You know that half your numbers are out of service? _(Dean goes over to the table and takes a seat)_ Felt like I was leaving messages in the wind.

**Sam-**Yeah, I-I-I didn't get your messages.

_(Dean looks up at Sam and opens his beer.)_

**Dean-**How come?

**Sam-**Probably because I ditched the phones.

**Dean-**Because...?

**Sam-**I guess...um, I guess something happened to me this year too. I don't hunt anymore.

_(Dean chuckles)_

**Dean-**Yeah. And Sasha Grey's gone legit.

_(Sam scoffs and Dean's smile is starting to fade.)_

**Dean-**What?

**Sam-**Nothing. Um, she did a Soderbergh movie.

**Dean-**What?

**Sam-**She did a Soderbergh-

**Dean-**No. You, Sam. You quit?

_(Dean's face conveys his disbelief)_

**Sam-**Yeah. Yeah, I-you were gone...Dean. Cas was gone, bobby was dead. I mean, Crowley even shipped off Kevin and Meg to parts unknown.

**Dean-**So you just turned tail on the family business?

**Sam-**Nothing says "family" quite like the whole family being dead.

_(Dean has lost all traces of smiling and now has a harsh tone.)_

**Dean-**I wasn't dead.

_(Dean stands from the table and walks past Sam clearly pissed off.)_

**Dean-**In fact, I was knee deep in god's armpit killing monsters, which, I thought is what we actually do.

**Sam-**Yes Dean, and far as I knew, what we do is the thing that got every single member of my family killed. I had no one-no one. And for the first time in my life, I was completely alone and, honestly, I didn't exactly have a roadmap.

_(Dean crosses his arms with a look of supreme disappointment on his face directed at Sam.)_

**Sam-**So yeah, I fixed up the impala, and I just...drove.

(Dean nods and stares at Sam.)

**Dean-**After you looked for me.

**_(Sam looks away in guilt)_**

**Dean-**Did you look for me, Sam?

_(Sam turns his head away from Sam. Dean just nods with a look of betrayal crossing his face before he shut down.)_

**Dean-**Good. That's good. Now, we-we...always told each other not to look for each other. That's smart. Good for you. Of course, we always ignored that, because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time, right, Sammy?

_(Dean has a humorless smile on his face and Sam just stands there looking guilty as hell and not able to look Dean in the eyes before attempting to defend himself)_

**Sam-**Look I'm still the same guy Dean.

**Dean-**Well, bully for you. I'm not.

_(Dean then turns and walks away from Sam and slams the door behind him heading outside leaving Sam standing there.)_

**Later that night…**

_(Dean sits down a box full of cell phones and pulls out a pair of headphones as Sam cooks dinner)_

**Sam-**You want some dinner?

**Dean-**Pass.

_(Sam is sitting at the table eating dinner while Dean listens to voicemails. Dean pause the phone and turns a furious disappointed look on Sam.)_

**Sam-**What?

_(Dean takes out the headphones and turns on the phone holding it up for Sam to hear.)_

**Kevin ****_(on phone)-_**Sam Winchester, its Kevin Tran. Crowley had me in this warehouse, and I just escaped. I don't know where I am. And I don't know if he or-or any other demons are still after me. I need your help. Call me back. It's Kevin Tran.

**Sam-**When was that?

_(Dean doesn't answer just hits another button before going back to glaring at Sam.)_

**Kevin ****_(on phone)-_**Sam Winchester, its Kevin Tran. I called you a week ago. Call me, please. I don't know what the hell I'm doing out here, man.

**Sam-**Okay. I get it. So what, you want to...strategize or something?

_(Sam stands up and walks over to Dean. Dean continues to ignore Sam and starts another message.)_

**Kevin ****_(on phone drunk)_****-**Sam, its Kevin. I'm good. Whoo! I'm so good.

**Sam-**Is he...drunk?

**Kevin****_ (on phone drunk)_****-**3 months since you ditched my ass. Haven't slept for more than four hours a night. But, it's all good in the hood. _(Clears throat)_ uh, if you're still alive, eat me.

_(Sam looks away and Dean plays another message)_

**Kevin ****_(on phone drunk)-_**Eat me.

_(Dean starts yet again another message.)_

**Kevin ****_(on phone)_****-**Sam, it's been 6 months. I can only assume you're dead. If not, don't try and reach me. You won't be able to. I won't be calling this number anymore.

_(Dean slams the phone shut and slowly stands before facing Sam completely livid.)_

**Dean-**He was our responsibility

_(Dean throws the phone at Sam.)_

**Dean-**And you couldn't answer the damn phone.

[Memory 3 ends]

"Dean we really do need to talk. We need to hash this out with you thinking I hate you and want to kill you, plus lying about the dream root, and now the purgatory thing too. I thought we had gotten passed this." Sam said clearly exasperated.

"Sam, that memory is just that a memory. But just to make something clear here, that's not what this memory was about. Yeah, it hurt that you didn't care enough to look for me. And yeah, I was pissed and disappointed about how you handled the Kevin situation, but _that _memory was all about _Cas! _That was the day I got back and I was trying to deal with thinking I had left him there to die on his own because I wasn't strong enough to save him. That memory was one of my worst because I thought I had lost my best friend in the world forever and I was never going to get to see him again. It's a bad memory because I had lost _him _not because you gave up on me and abandoned me. I expect that. After Stanford, the year I spent after you fell in the cage, and all the other times you wanted to go separate ways to hunt I'm pretty much used to losing you Sam." I was so pissed that he just assumed everything revolved around him. Didn't he realize how much I lov—cared for Cas. He is my best friend. When I looked over at Sam I could see a vein ticking in his forehead and knew he was about to blow a gasket.

"What do you mean you're 'used to me "ABANDONING" you!?' Dean, I didn't ditch you and Dad when I went to college. I left to get a life. Something you never considered doing. You had a good thing going with Lisa, you didn't have to come back. You were finally out." Sam was pissed.

I could have pointed out at this point that the only reason I left Lisa and Ben in the first place, was because of him and then again forever after _he _let me get turned. But I know that wasn't really his fault he was busy being a soulless jackass.

"Dean, I am sorry you felt that way when you returned. I thought that I needed to stay to make penance for my sins after the apocalypse. I did not mean for you to be hurt. And please know that I consider you to be my best friend as well." Cas interrupted probably hoping to fend off the rest of our argument before we said something we truly didn't mean.

"Aw hell Cas, I know why you did it. I don't blame you and I forgive you for staying even though there isn't anything to forgive." I said as I pulled Cas into a bone-crushing hug. It took him a moment to reciprocate, but that's just Cas. Awkward angel till the end.

I let Cas go and stepped back and pulled him with me to the next door ignoring Sam completely. I placed my hand on the knob, turned it, and stepped inside. Here we go…


	4. Chapter 4:Famine and Cas

Dean POV

When we stepped through I looked around and saw a sign announcing Biggerson's and noticed all the customers' dead in their booths. And that's when I saw _him—Famine. _We had now landed smack-dab in the middle of the Apocalypse again, as if once wasn't enough. Before I could say anything the memory started and we all turned to watch.

[Memory 4 starts]

_(Two demons drag Dean before famine and Dean turns to look at Castiel who is in the floor over a pan of raw hamburger meat chowing down. The demon blade beside him.)_

**Famine**-The other Mr. Winchester.

**Dean**-What did you do to him?

**Famine**-You sicced your dog on me. I just threw him a steak.

**Dean**-So this is your big trick? Huh? Making people cuckoo to cocoa puffs?

**Famine**-Doesn't take much-hardly a push. Oh, America, all-you-can-eat, all the time. Consume, consume. A swarm of locusts in stretch pants. And yet, you're all still starving. Because hunger doesn't just come from the body it also comes from the soul!

**Dean**-It's funny, it doesn't seem to be coming from mine.

**Famine-**Yes, I noticed that. Have you wondered why that is? How you could even walk in my presence.

**Dean-**Well I like to think it's because of my strength of character.

**Famine-**I disagree.

_(Famine rolls forward in his chair and stops right in front of Dean. Placing his hand on dean's chest he feels for Dean's soul causing Dean excruciating pain.)_

**Famine**-Yes, I see._ (Chuckles)_ that's one deep dark nothing you've got there Dean. Can't fill it can you? Not with food or drink? Not even with sex.

**Dean-**Oh, you're so full of crap.

**Famine**-Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself but not to me. I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are. How defeated. You can't win and you know it. But you just keep fight, just...keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already...DEAD!

(_Deans face openly shows how much the words got to him.)_

[Memory 4 ends]

"Well that was fun. Let's get the hell out of here. I don't want to be around that smary bastard anymore than I have to be." I stated striding forward to grab the door handle not giving anyone the chance to argue with me and swung open the door. I immediately slammed it and stepped back.

"On second thought why don't we just hang out here for a while? How does that sound? Good? Great, I'm on board too." I said turning to face Sam and Cas.

"What is it, Dean? We need to go through that 'room' to get out of here. I am sure we can handle it. I have your back Dean. Nothing can hurt you in here. And if something tries I promise to stop it." Cas said looking worried over my reaction to what I saw in the next room.

"Thanks, man, I appreciate the sentiment, but I know nothing is going to hurt me. We are in my head after all. I'm just worried that what's coming is going to hurt _you."_ I said looking away from Castiel.

When I looked away my gaze caught Sam's and he started at me questionably.

"What makes this memory so different from the others? Why can't we just hurry up and get the hell out of here, Dean. The longer we're stuck in here the more time the witches have to get away. Cas can take whatever it is. He's a big boy. Let's go Dean." Sam said before turning and walking towards the door.

I reached out and placed my hand on Cas' arm to stop him as he walked by.

"Cas, it's a memory about you—it's from when you were working with Crowley to stop Raphael." I said to Cas.

"It is okay, Dean, we will make it out okay. That was a long time ago and I know that you can't control which memory we see." Cas said to me looking me straight in the eye so I could see the belief he had in me shining there.

I nodded and we turned to follow Sam through the door. Once inside the memory started and Cas reached out to take my hand in his in a show of support through what was to come. I normally would have pulled away, but reliving all of this and fighting with Sam had me drained so I clung to the one support system I had at the moment. My angel.

[Memory 5 starts]

_(Dean is sitting in a chair across from Bobby with a small table between them drinking a glass of whiskey while Sam paces back and forth before nodding to Dean who begins to pray.)_

**Dean**-Castiel, uh...we need you for a little powwow down here, so come on down.

_(Wings flapping and Cas appears behind Sam across from Dean.)_

**Castiel**-Hello.

**Bobby**-oh, Johnny on the spot.

**Castiel**-You're still here.

**Sam**-Yeah, we had to bury the bodies.

**Dean**-And we found a little whiskey_. (Raises his glass in a salute towards Cas.)_ Thanks for coming.

**Castiel**-How can I help?

**Sam**-Oh, look. We, um-we have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley.

_(Sam opens his notebook and looks in it while Cas walks towards him. Bobby stands up as Cas comes parallel to him. And Dean stays seated looking like he's distressed.)_

**Castiel**-What is it?

**Bobby**-It's you.

_(Bobby then kites matches and throws them down on a ring of holy oil trapping Cas inside. Cas spins around before looking at Sam, then Bobby, and finally letting his gaze rest on Dean.)_

**Castiel**-What are you doing?

_(Dean sits his whiskey down and stands up facing Cas.)_

**Dean**-We got to talk.

**Castiel**-About what!? Let me go!

**Dean**-About superman. And kryptonite.

_(Cas looks around like he's trying to find a way out.)_

**Bobby**-How'd you know what I said?

**Sam**-How long you been watching us?

**Dean**-You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies!

**Castiel**-Okay, just wait. I don't even know what you mean.

**Sam**-What about this demon craphole? How is it so "next to godliness" clean in here?

**Bobby**-And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?

**Castiel**-It's hard to understand. It's hard to explain. Just let me go-let me out and I can—

**Dean**-You got to look at me man. You got to level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye, and tell me you're not working with Crowley.

_(Dean stares intently at Castiel, still clinging to hope, but Cas says nothing and as realizations breaks over Dean's face Castiel looks away. Betrayal steals over Dean's face.)_

**Dean**-You son of a bitch.

**Castiel**-Let me explain.

**Dean**-You're in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after purgatory together?

_(Castiel looks away from Dean.)_

**Dean**-You have, huh? This whole time.

**Castiel**-I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.

**Sam**-Protect us how? By opening a hole into monsterland!

**Bobby**-He's right, Cas. One drop got through, and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam!?

**Castiel**-To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me.

**Sam**-Trust you!? How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?

**Castiel**-I'm still me. I'm still your friend. Sam...I am the one who raised you from perdition.

_(Dean looks up at Cas when he says this. Then so do Bobby and Sam.)_

**Sam**-What!? _(Scoffs)_ Well, no offense...but you did a pretty piss-poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless...on purpose?

_(Dean who turned to watch Sam and see what he had to say quickly turns back to Castiel. Cas who looks hurt by the question.)_

**Castiel**-How could you think that?

**Sam**-Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas.

_(Dean looks away from Cas.)_

**Castiel**-Listen. _(Sighs)_ Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.

_(Cas says the last bit while turning to look at Dean. Who looks at him again with shiny eyes.)_

**Dean**-No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.

**Castiel**_-(sighs and shakes his head)_ You don't understand. It's complicated.

**Dean**-No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it...like we always have. What we don't do, is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil.

**Castiel**-It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?

**Dean**-I was there. Where were you? You should've come to us for help, Cas.

_(Dean clenches his jaw and looks away from Cas to hold back the tide emotions.)_

**Castiel**-Maybe. It's too late now. _(Cas looks all around)_

_(Wind gusting and thousand demons are headed their way.)_

**Castiel**-I can't turn back now. I can't.

_(Bobby and Sam walk closer to Dean.)_

**Dean-**It's not too late. Damn it, Cas. We can fix this.

**Castiel**-Dean, it's not broken!

_(Dean and Sam look out the window and see the demons coming.)_

**Castiel**-Run! You have to run now! RUN!

_(Bobby and Sam run out the door but Dean stops and turns to face Castiel a sorrowful and betrayed look on his face before turning and running out the door as well, leaving Cas in the ring of holy fire.)_

**Later that night…**

_(Dean is asleep on the window seat at Bobby's with angel warding on the windows above him. He wakes up and looks toward his feet where Castiel has appeared. When he notices Cas he jerks into a sitting position.)_

**Castiel**-Hello, Dean.

**Dean**-How'd you get in here?

**Castiel**-The angel-proofing Bobby put on the house—he got a few things wrong.

**Dean**-Well, it's too bad we got to angel-proof in the first place, isn't it?

_(Dean stands and turns to face _

**Castiel**-I want you to understand.

**Dean**-Oh, believe me, I get it, blah, blah, Raphael, right?

**Castiel**-I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this _because _of you.

_(Dean turns away from Castiel and stares at the wall.)_

**Dean**-_(scoffs) _Because of me. Yeah. got to be kidding me.

**Castiel**-You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will—

_(Dean turns around to face Castiel before speaking.)_

**Dean**-You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do **_WHATEVER_** you want!

**Castiel**-I know what I'm doing, Dean.

**Dean**-I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm just saying don't…just cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it.

**Castiel**-I don't understand.

**Dean**-Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest thing I have to family—that you are like a brother to me. So, if I am asking you not to do something…you got to trust me, man.

_(Castiel looked up in awe when Dean called him family but when Dean finished talking he looked away before turning back and speaking.)_

**Castiel**-Or what?

_(Dean has a look of blatant hurt on his face before shutting down and answering Cas.)_

**Dean**-Or I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you.

**Castiel**-You can't, Dean. You're just a man. I'm an angel.

**Dean**-I don't know. I've taken some pretty big fish.

_(Castiel looks away while Dean stares at him.)_

**Castiel**-I'm sorry, Dean.

**Dean**-Well, I'm sorry too then.

_(Wings flap as Castiel flies away leaving Dean standing alone in Bobby's living room.)_

[Memory 5 ends]

I gripped Castiel's hand tighter as the memory ended and we were left in the room alone again.

"That was the big bad memory?" Sam asked callously.

"Lots of other much worse things have happened to us, and _that _is what was so awful!?" Sam stated viciously.

"Sam that is enough. It is not Dean's fault that these are the memories we are going through. He didn't ask to be stuck in here. You should show your brother some kindness because he is having to relieve his most painful memories over and then listen to you rile against him for them. We are almost out of here I believe we have only one or two left. Calm yourself or at least attempt to keep your vicious thoughts to yourself. Now let us go into the next memory." Castiel stated before walking with me to the door still holding my hand.

I was grateful to Cas for sticking up for me, I didn't have the will to fight with Sam after seeing these memories again. I was extremely grateful that Cas knew there was only a couple left because I didn't know how much more I could take.


	5. Chapter 5:The Worst is Yet to Come&Ruby

Dean POV

Cas walked right up to the door but instead of opening it he just placed his hand on it and turned to face me.

"Are you ready, Dean? We can take a moment of you need to. I'll be right here beside you the whole time." Cas said as he looked up at me earnestly.

"You're not mad at me are you Cas? I'm sorry that you had to watch that. I promise I don't still hold it against you. I understand a little better why you felt you had too." I said. I was praying that this wouldn't be the thing that ruined our friendship.

"No Dean I am not angry. I understand that you have no control over the emotions connected too and triggered by these memories. I hope theirs is just two more and no more. I do not like seeing you suffer through this. I believe there will be one more memory and then we will find the door, but I must warn you that the room that contains the 'exit' door will contain the worst memory we have seen so far. Do you have any idea what that memory will be?" Cas explained to me.

I was very grateful to have Cas going through this with me. I was also aware of Sam sighing in impatience behind us but I had to know something before I could step through that door.

"And you're sure that I won't have memories or hell or my family and friends dying?" I asked Cas. I had to be sure there would be no more nasty surprises waiting for me.

"I am sure. Those memories are locked deep within your subconscious and this witch was not strong enough to send us there." Cas answered.

"Well then depending on this memory I'm sure I can narrow it down for you. Although I already have a pretty good idea of what memory it will be. I'll try to answer you after this room. Let's just up get this over with." With that said I reached down and twisted the doorknob in Cas' hand.

We stepped through the door and into a nice hotel room. I looked around for a moment before realizing where we were. I reached down and grabbed Cas' hand and slid over closer to him because I knew I would need the angel's support to get through this memory.

[Memory 6 starts]

_(Dean is fighting Ruby about to kill her with the demon knife when Sam grabs the knife and shoves Dean away from her putting Ruby behind him to protect her. Dean and Sam face each other and start to talk.) _

**Sam**-No, let her go. Just take it easy.

**Dean**-Wow, that must have been some party that you two had going, considering how hard you tried to keep me from crashing it. Well, solid try, but...here I am.

**Sam**-Dean, I'm glad you're here. Look...lets just talk about this.

**Dean**-As soon as she's dead, we can talk all you want.

**Sam**-Ruby, get out of here.

_(Dean steps toward Sam and Sam steps toward Dean giving Ruby the chance to run out the door.)_

**Dean**-No, she's not going anywhere.

_(Ruby slams the door behind her.)_

**Dean**-She's poison Sam.

**Sam**-It's not what you think, Dean.

**Dean**-Look what she did to you. Well, she up and vanishes, weeks at a time, leaves you cracking out for another hit.

_(Dean is waving his arms and getting louder.)_

**Sam**-She was looking for Lilith.

**Dean**-That is French for "manipulating your ass 10 ways from Sunday".

**Sam**-You're wrong Dean.

**Dean**-Sam, you're lying to yourself.

_(Dean steps toward Sam with a concerned look on his face.)_

**Dean**-I just...want you to be okay. You would do the same for me. You know you would.

**Sam**-Just listen.

_(Sam tosses Ruby's knife on the bed.)_

**Sam**-Just listen. Just listen for a second. We got a lead on a demon close to Lilith. Come with us, Dean. We'll do this together.

**Dean**-That sounds great. As long as it's you and me. Demon bitch is a deal breaker. You kiss her goodbye, we can go right now.

**Sam**-I can't. Dean, I need her-to help me kill Lilith.

_(Dean turns away from Sam with tears in his eyes and wipes a hand over his face before taking a deep breath.)_

**Sam**-I know you can't wrap your head around it, but maybe one day...you'll understand. _(Sighs) _I'm the only one who can do this, Dean.

_(Stealing his emotions Dean turns to face Sam again.)_

**Dean**-No, you're not The one who's gonna do this.

**Sam**-Right. That's right. I forgot. The angels think it's you.

**Dean**-You don't think I can?

**Sam**-No. You can't. You're not strong enough.

**Dean**-And who the hell are you?

**Sam**-I'm being practical here. I'm doing what needs to be done.

**Dean**-Yeah!? You're not gonna do a single damn thing.

**Sam**-Stop bossing me around Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots. And I trust you because you are my brother. Now, I am asking you, for once...trust me.

**Dean**-No. You don't know what you're doing Sam.

**Sam**-Yes, I do.

**Dean**-Then that's worse.

**Sam**-Why!? Look I'm telling you-

**Dean**-Because it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are. It means...

**Sam**-What? No. Say it.

**Dean**-It means you're a monster. _(A single tear falls down his face.)_

_(Sam hits Dean on the jaw and knocks him over the bed. Dean slowly stands up and punches Sam in the nose twice, then sucker punches him in the stomach, then knees him in the stomach, then uppercuts Sam through the door before chasing after him. Sam blocks the next punch before needing in the face and stomach. Sam punches Dean three times for an ox him into a mirror. Dean turns around and swings, but Sam dodges the blow and throws Dean through the wall divider and into a glass table before hitting the floor. Dean lays on his back and Sam steps through the new hole in the wall and proceeds to start choking Dean. Sam stops as Dean begins losing consciousness and stands up leaving Dean on the ground.)_

**Sam**-You don't know me. You never did. And you never will.

_(Sam steps over Dean and heads to the door.)_

**Dean**-You walk out that door...don't you ever come back.

_(Sam turns and faces Dean before he opens the door and walks out.)_

**Later...**

_(Dean is trying to break down the door to stop Sam from killing Lilith and it finally opens he throws the candle holder down and yanks out Ruby's knife stalking over to where Ruby and Sam are sitting. Ruby jumps up to face Dean.)_

**Ruby**-You're too late.

**Dean-**I don't care.

_(Sam grabs and holds Ruby as Dean closes in and slams the knife through her stomach, he stares at her before twisting the knife and then yanking it out and letting her fall down, dead. Dean then slowly turns to face Sam with a leery look on his face showing his doubts about Sam and his betrayal.)_

**Sam-**I'm sorry.

_(Sam looks at Dean with utter heartbreak on his face from starting the apocalypse and betraying his brother.)_

[Memory 6 ends]

"Are you **_serious!? _**Is every memory you have about me bad? Why is it that almost every memory we have seen have been about me doing something wrong? Is that how you see me Dean? Your little brother who messes everything up?" Sam was furious I could tell I started to say something but he wasn't done yet.

"What about all the times you've ruined everything? What about Dad!?—" Sam was starting to say before he was cut off.

"That is ENOUGH! Sam stop. This is not your brother's fault and neither was that. You will refrain from saying anything else till we are all conscious. I will talk to your brother for a moment and until we are finished talking go stand beside the door and wait for us there. Do _not _open the door. Dean or myself will open it." Cas cut in and I could tell he wasn't kidding and obviously so could Sam because he didn't say another word and walked past to stand by the door with bitchface #268 on.

"Dean it is okay. Now forget what your brother said. He is just tired and ready to leave. Now tell me what you believe the last room will be before we enter it." At Castiel's word I felt pain lance through my heart at the thought of what I was probably about to come face to face with.

I looked down at the floor and muttered a name very quietly. I knew Castiel heard me because I heard him suck in a breath.

"Gabriel." I looked at him and said it again just a little louder before waiting for his response.


	6. Chapter 6:The WorstGabriel

Dean POV

"Oh Dean, it's going to be okay. Just try not to watch what happens. Turn away and it will be over before you know it. I know about the bond you felt towards my brother and I feel your pain at his passing, but it wasn't your fault Dean. Now the sooner we go in the sooner we can leave." Cas spoke while gently herding me toward the door. We walked pass Sam and he reached out and opened it before ushering me inside before following. Sam brought up the rear and closed the door once we were inside.

I turned to face the fall away from the scene that was appearing in front of us, but I quickly lost the will to ignore it when I heard _his _voice. I hastily decided that seeing him now would be better than never seeing him again. Even if it was a horrible memory.

[Memory 7 starts]

_(Dean and Sam are hiding behind a table while Lucifer and Kali fight.)_

**Sam**-Are you okay?

_(Gabriel appears behind Dean and Sam and they jerk their heads around to face him.)_

**Gabriel**-Not really. Better late than never, huh?

_(Gabriel slams DVD case against Dean's abdomen.)_

**Gabriel**-Guard this with your life.

_(Lucifer gets tossed away from Kali before he can kill her and Gabriel is standing over her angel sword at the ready.)_

**Gabriel** -Lucy. I'm home.

_(Lucifer stands and stalks toward Kali but Gabriel moves in front of her and raises his sword.)_

**Gabriel**-Not this time.

_(Gabriel reaches down and pulls Kali up beside him still holding his sword out against Lucifer.)_

**Gabriel**-Guys! Get her out of here.

_(Sam and Dean stand up and come around the table taking Kali from Gabriel when he hands her off to them. Gabriel stays in front of them with his sword raised and circles around Lucifer till he's standing in front of the door while Lucifer in front of him.)_

**Lucifer**-Over a girl. Gabriel, really? I mean I knew you were slumming, but…I hope you didn't catch anything. _(disgusted look crosses Lucifer's face) _

**Gabriel**-Lucifer, you're my brother, and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks.

**Lucifer**-What did you just say to me?

_(Lucifer steps toward Gabriel and Gabriel raises his sword and Lucifer stops.)_

**Gabriel**-Look at yourself. "Boo-hoo. Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all of his toys."

**Lucifer**-Watch your tone.

**Gabriel**-Play the victim all you want. But you and me—we know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael. More than me. Then he brought the new baby home, and you couldn't handle it. So all this is just a great big temper tantrum. _(lifts his sword) _Time to grow up.

**Meanwhile outside…**

_(Dean and Sam usher Kali into the car and then once Sam is in Dean runs back inside to help Gabriel he gets in and has a vantage point of the room and stays and atches he can see Gabriel behind Lucifer and a visage of Gabriel in front of Lucifer engaging him in conversation. Dean stays out of sight to not give Gabriel away.)_

**In the room…**

**Lucifer**-Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael—

**Gabriel**-Screw him. If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass too.

**Lucifer**-_(Scoffs) _You disloyal—

**Gabriel**-Oh, I'm loyal. To them.

**Lucifer**-Who? These…so-called Gods?

**Gabriel**-To people, Lucifer. People.

**Lucifer**-So you're willing to die for a pile of cockroaches? Why?

**Gabriel**-Because Dad was right. They are better than us.

**Lucifer**-They are broken, flawed abortions.

**Gabriel**-Damn right, they're flawed. _(Deep breath) _But a lot of them try…to do better. To forgive. And you should see the spearmint rhino. I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. And I'm not on your side or Michael's. I'm on theirs.

**Lucifer**-Brother, don't make me do this.

**Gabriel**-No one makes us do anything.

**Lucifer**-I know you think you're doing the right thing, Gabriel. But I know where your heart truly lies.

_(Gabriel raises his sword and goes to stab Lucifer in the back but Lucifer spins around and uses Gabriel's momentum against him and shoves the sword into Gabriel's heart.)_

**Lucifer**-Here.

_(The visage of Gabriel disappears.)_

**Lucifer**-Amateur hocus-pocus. Don't forget—you learned all your tricks from me, little brother.

_(Lucifer slams the sword into Gabriel's heart and instantly Gabriel's grace flies out of his eyes and mouth. And his wings burn into the floor.)_

_(Dean watches Gabriel's body fall to the floor helpless to do anything to save him. He turns and runs out of the building, hops into the impala, ignores Sam's questions, and speeds off.)_

[Memory 7 ends]

I couldn't breathe that was the first thing I noticed as the scene faded away and I continued to stare at the space where Gabriel's body had previously occupied. I faintly heard my name being called and looked in the direction I thought it was coming from. Cas' face filled my vision and slowly his voice filtered into my consciousness.

"Dean. Dean! You need to breathe. That's right. Good. Again. Breathe with me. In. out. In. out. Keep going. That's better. Are you okay?" Cas calmly and patiently talked me through my panic attack at seeing Gabriel killed again.

I couldn't talk so I just shook my head; I wasn't okay and I didn't have the energy to put up a front. It felt like someone had ripped the scab off a raw, deep, bloody wound and expected a band aid to fix the problem.

"Can we just leave?" I asked as I turned to the door noticing Sam for the first time since this memory started. He was standing by the door impatiently tapping his foot. I walked past him slowly and opened the door letting Sam pass me and walk through disappearing from sight.

Cas walked up beside me and turned to face me. He looked into my eyes as if searching for something and then placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Dean I have my powers back and I can take you to a pleasant memory of Gabriel if you would like before we leave?" he asked.

"N-no. That's okay. I just want to get out of here and put it behind me." I spoke as I turned and began walking out the door.

I gasped and jerked up into a sitting position. I was sitting on the floor of the old abandoned house in front of the door I had opened earlier Sam a few steps behind me. I looked up when a hand materialized in front of me to see Cas. He had obviously followed us here. I grabbed his hand and let him pull me to my feet. Once standing I turned and offered my hand to Sam but he ignored it and got up on his own. Obviously he was still pissed about what had just happened.

We all walked out and climbed in the impala and drove back to the hotel we were staying at. No one talked the whole ride. We all knew we had lost the witches, but there was always the chance we'd run into them again in the future. Once inside the hotel room Sam packed his bag and then turned to stare at me as I finished packing mine.

"Well can we talk now? Or is your guardian angel going to step in and stop it this time too?" Sam asked while glaring at Cas.

"Go ahead and say what you have too. Get it over with so we can get the hell out of this damn town." I sat my bag on the bed and turned to face Sam while Cas watched from the sidelines.

"What the hell was all that!? I thought we had moved passed all that shit and put it in the past, but obviously you're still clinging to the past mistakes I made and holding them against me. All of your worst memories were of me. Am I that bad Dean? Why wasn't Mom and Dad, hell even Bobby, why weren't their deaths there? All you see is the mistakes I've made. And why was Gabriel the 'worst' memory of all? After all that winged-dick did to us." Sam was red in the face and slowly getting louder and louder.

"Sam I do have those as bad memories. They're just so bad I keep them locked away with my memories of hell. And don't you even start talking bad about Gabriel. He gave up his life for us. Yeah he might've made some mistakes in the way he tried to keep us from starting the apocalypse, but when we needed him he was always there! It's not like I could control where we were ending up. It's not like I tried to personally think bad thoughts about you. It wasn't up to me. I'm so sorry that it was hard for _you _too have to go through that, but what about _me!? _I had to relieve some of the worst moments in my life and listen to you bitch about them. I had to let my little brother and my best friend see the worst things in my head. My private thoughts." I was getting just as mad as Sam now.

"While we're talking about that what's with the lying to me about some of that Dean? And you know you had plenty of stuff in there that was considered my fault, but what about the stuff _you _did? I might have let Lucifer out, but I never would've got the chance if you hadn't have started the apocalypse. Or you know all of it might not have happened if you weren't so scared of being alone and so needy that you came and got me out of college, where I had a normal life for once, and pulled me back into the life. I know you were mad after purgatory because I left the life, but have you ever considered that if it wasn't for you I would still have a normal life?" Sam said reaching down and grabbing his bags.

"Well I'm sorry your life is so bad. And that I wanted you in mine. And if I lied to you or did things it was to protect you. I thought that's what brothers did?" I asked.

"Yeah, well Dean you would know. I'm leaving, and I'm going back to Amelia to have the normal life that I deserve. Don't try to contact me. I need time away from you and this life." Sam said before walking out the door and slamming it behind him with a note of finality before I could say anything else.

After Sam was gone I turned to look at Cas as my knees gave out and I fell on the bed. I couldn't believe this is what broke us up. Oh great, now I sound like some teenage girl angsting over her first relationship. I fall back on the bed and just stare at the ceiling. I feel the bed dip beside me and know that Cas was sitting there.

He didn't say anything and neither did I just layer there thinking over the events of the past few hours. I tried my best to keep my mind from going to Gabriel. It felt wonderful again after so many years—God I can't believe it's been years—of him being gone. We successfully stopped the apocalypse, saved Sam, stopped Raphael, stopped the Leviathans, made it back from purgatory, defeated Metatron, opened heaven once again, and cured me of being a demon. Now all we needed to do was find a way to get rid of this damn Mark of Cain before it made me Demon Dean 2.0.

It's hard to believe we did so much in so little time. Now that I think about it I never really had time to grieve for Gabriel I went straight from seeing him killed to fighting off Pestilence and finding Death. Now thought seeing him die in front of me all over again and still being unable to save him just ripped that wound open again. I knew if I ignored this it would fester until eventually it blew up in my face, but I'm Dean Winchester, and I'm nothing if not a great ignorer.

So I pushed thoughts of Gabriel to the back of my mind rolled over in bed and got some shut eye. We could leave soon enough in the morning. I knew Cas would still be there in the morning watching over me and ready to talk when I was.

A/N:

I don't own any of these characters or noticeable scenes. They all belong to the writers and owners of Supernatural. This is my Disclaimer. But all original writing or original characters belong to me.

Please leave some comments and let me know how you feel about this story. Thanks!

I didn't make any of these YouTube videos and all their credit is to their respective writers. I thought you might enjoy seeing the memories come to life.

Memory Videos off of YouTube

Memory 1

1X10 Asylum

watch?v=aXDYvBUdVfY

Memory 2

3X10 Dream a Little Dream

watch?v=fYCtt7Oc46o

Memory 3

8X01 We Need to Talk About Kevin

watch?v=CHjGQ2T7lwg

watch?v=iG7QkoPyVg4

Memory 4

5X14 My Bloody Valentine

watch?v=-aJtnM5d-ko

Memory 5

6X20 The Man Who Would Be King

watch?v=TdNqNdvcGxE

watch?v=BwIxd2EgOVk

Memory 6

4X21 When the Levee Breaks

watch?v=8XI5JTmC_u8

4X22 Lucifer Rising

watch?v=YhlMiTqFcJU

Memory 7

5X19 Hammer of the Gods

/pKf-SimRPRk


End file.
